The Translation
by spottedhorse
Summary: Post LD. GRissom is having a hard time with Sara's death. He takes drastic steps to find life again. Of course, the gang is there for him. Please review.


_"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness...No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."_

_John Donne:Meditation XVII_

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

They stood, looking on the scene. The red mustang was overturned and situated at an odd angle. The group wasn't sure what upset them more, the sight of their dead collegue's hand still holding the desert sand that she had obviously struggled againt or the lone figure of the friend and supervisor sobbing hopelessly next to her. As soon as they had run up to her, he had understood that all hope was lost and fallen to his knees. Tears refused to fall at first, his expression one of shear shock and despair. But when the paramedics had signaled the finality of her condition, he had collapsed into floods of tears. The deluge continued until Catherine wasn't sure how he had any tears left. She tried to talk to him, coax him away. He had pushed her away, like a child in a tantrum. Brass had given it a try a few minutes later with much the same result. So they watched. Doc Robbins had responded to the coronor's call. His last official act as far as Sara Sidle was concerned. He wanted to be there for her one last time. He tried to talk to his friend too, but Gil Grissom stubbornly stuck to that little piece of desert, next to his beloved.

Fianlly they were able to load her now bagged body onto a stretcher and headed for the van. Grissom rose and followed, stumbling as he walked. Brass approached again. "Gil...ride with me. We'll follow her back." Somehow he knew suggesting any other destination would be futile.

Catherine, Nick, Warrick, and Greg all headed to the other cars and the caravan that had raced to the site a few hours before began its somber trip back to town; a prequel to the funeral procession that they assumed was just a few days away. No one spoke. Words were useless. They encountered death on a daily basis. Each case affected them differently, some taking a bigger bite of thier soul than others. But this one created a hole in each ot them. A piece of them was gone forever. The sickness that pervaded their work had invaded their inner circle. She had been a bit of a loner, but since her arrival in their world she had never really been alone. Each loved her in a special way; as a sister, daughter, friend, or in the case of the broken man ahead, lover and other half of his soul. No, as isolated as she might have felt sometimes, she had been a part of them; would always be.

They would make her final arrangements; a last act of friendship. And then they would move on, looking after the one who was most shattered by her death. While caring for him would be for his sake, it would be for thier own too. They couldn't handle another loss just now. They needed him to be whole again; especially since he was thier anchor... the catalyst that bound them all together. Without him, they would have just been a bunch of co workers on the same shift. Their various personalities would have gotten in the way of anything more. Grissom had supplied the glue.

Jim Brass kept checking his friend as they drove back. Sideways glances told him that the man was in a trance; somewhere distant, perhaps belonging only to him...and her. He had known about them longer than the others. For years she had persued Grissom to no avail. But slowly something had changed in him and a few moths ago, Brass had realized why. He had finally allowed himself to be caught. In doing so, he had totally surrendered to her, letting his pent up emotions and desires have free reign. Jim suspected that Grissom had discovered a part of himself that he'd never known existed before; that part which was capable of absolute love...totally selfless, without walls or deception of any kind. And now she is gone. Jim worried for his friend's sanity.

At the morgue, Gil insisted on helping Doc clean her body. Doc wasn't sure what supplied more water for her cleansing, the water faucet or Grissom's tears. Brass and Catherine stood nearby, ready to take him in hand. After the cleansing was finished, Doc stepped back and signaled to the others. He shouldn't witness what came next. Autopsies were a common occurance in his life. But he shouldn't be in the room for this one. It might be the last straw. With Jim and Catherine on either side, he ws led away. Somehow he knew he didn't want to be there for this step. "Gil," she gently coaxed, "you need a shower. Let us take you to your place so you can clean up."

Panic swept his features. "NO!" Jim understood the problem. His place would be filled with reminders of her. He wasn't ready for that.

"Okay, how about my place then, Gil. " he offered. "Catherine can run by your place and get clothes for a few days and you can stay with me...until you are ready to go home."

Gil looked at him, lost. Something was wrong about Jim's suggestion. Finally he remembered. "Bruno."

Jim and Catherine looked at each other, confused.

"Our dog..."

Catherine's brows wrinkled; Gil had a dog? Jim shrugged. "I have a yard. Bruno can come over too."

So it was settled. Jim drove Grissom to his house while Catherine headed to his Grissom's to pack. She was surprised by how much Sara had obviously become a part of his life. She was everywhere. Catherine was glad that he was going to Jim's. The dog had barked at first, but warmed to her presence. Once she had a bag packed, she found a leash and carried the bag and led the dog to her car. Fianlly at Jim's, she unloaded the items. "Where's Gil?"

"In the shower. It took a while for him to get there. He's in slow motion."

"Yeah. You knew about them, didn't you?"

"Yeah, for awhile now. I decided to keep it under my hat. They are...were such private people. I knew they needed time before they could share it."

Catherine was shaking her head. "Boy, when he falls, he falls hard."

"Cath...it's probably the only time in his life he has fallen. Consequently, he doesn't know waht to do with his emotions. Honestly though, if I were in his shoes...I'm not sure I'd be any better."

Eyeing him gently, she remarked, "Jim, you're one of the strongest men I know. You handle it and somehow come out on the other end stronger for it."

"I appreciate the confidence, but ...to lose her that way...he blames himself, you know?"

"How do you know that? He tell you?"

"No...I just know."

Somehow they made it through the next few days. Ecklie had rearranged schedules, giving the shift those days off. In the end there was no funeral. An official memorial service was planned by the department. Everyone except Grissom had attended. He spent the time with Bruno. Later that day, the group went with him to scatter her ashes. He had explained that a few months earlier they had gone camping and tented in a spot on a small plateau. She had commented that she had never felt so content as she did there. That if she had her way, they'd stay and spend eternity there. So in their own private ceremony, she became a part of her special place. Eternity had claimed her far too soon.

They returned to work the next day; except Grissom. He was on an indefinite LOA. Even Ecklie understood that he was beyond grief and needed time. When he did return, he seemed his usual self. But they knew it was a facade. He was going through the motions, saying the right things, cracking the goofy jokes, but feeling little. He needs more time, they kept telling themselves.

And then the day came. It happened; the day he had told Warrick about years earlier. There was no cake, no party. He was simply gone. His office was bare, the specimans gone. His footsteps were no longer in the hall. He was simply gone. Catherine tried his cell. Service was disconnected. Jim tried tracing his car. They found it on a slaes lot. Then he traced his credit cards. They had been cancelled. He had disappeard. In a panic, Nick had driven to Sara's spot but there was no sign of him. The trail was cold.

Six months later, Catherine was reading her e-mail. A smile errupted on her face. A whoop was heard down the hall as Nick had checked his. Warrick jumped from his chair and carried his laptop towrds the others. And Brass smiled silently as his e-mail messages appeared on his screen. It was a short message; very Grissom.

_Hey Guys,_

_Sorry to disappear like that; just had to get away. Thanks for all you did; for being my friends...and hers. On a rain forest expedition. Communications difficult but I had this chance to say 'hello.' I'm okay...getting better daily. Will see you when I get back._

_Grissom._

Each sent their own special return message. They hoped he would get them soon. All told him how much he was missed. Some had stories of what was happening at the lab. Catherine told him a little about the others, Lindsey, and her own life. And then she concluded:

_You scared us, Gil. We weren't sure that you hadn't gone to join Sara. We couldn't bear the thought. It would have been too much. You are a part of us; we are lesser people without you here. We hope to see you soon. I need you to come home and bring your light back into my life._

_Catherine._

Three months later he appeared in the doorway of her office; the one that used to be his. "Hey, I like what you've done with the place." He looked good. His hair was a little longer than she was used to but he had a terrific tan and had lost some weight. It was if lines had disappeared from his face and his eyes were brighter than she's seen them in years.

"You look good, Gil," she said as she headed to him for a hug. Usually hugs were something he barely tolerated but he embraced her with enthusiasm. They lingered for a minute and then headed to the couch. "So, tell me..." she began as she sat. He settled at the other end, his eyes still taking in the space.

"Went on an expedition in South America. It was great. Got to see several species of insects that I had only seen pictures of before. I needed it, Cath. I needed to get all of this out of my head."

"All of it?"

"Well, the job...the crimes...what happened to Sara."

She nodded in understanding. "We could have helped you."

His smile was gentle but his eyes revealed the truth. "You would have tried. But...I needed a break. To completely get away from the evils that humainty does to itself. Everything in the forest was pure, refreshing...I needed that."

"So are you really back now?"

"Back in Vegas, at least until I decide what comes next. But not back at the lab. I can't do it anymore. I hope you all can understand and not pressure me about it." His look told her that any argument would be useless.

"Okay, no pressure. As long as you are back in our lives."

He nodded. "You can count on it, Catherine. If I decide to leave again, you'll be the first to know. And I won't disappear again, I promise."

"Good."

"I'm going to wander around and find the others. Have breakfast with me?"

"Love to. How about my place? That way, we can really have a good chat."

"Okay...what time?"

"8:30?".

"I'll be there." He stood and smiled at her once more before heading out. She heard the greetings as he walked through the hall. Greg came bouncing in a few minutes later, "Hey, guess who's here?"

"I know. I saw him."

"Isn't it great? He's back!"

"Well, back in Vegas, Greg. But not at the lab. Don't expect that he'll come back here."

"Oh," he frowned. He turned and left, looking deflated.

Breakfast was much like it had always been; a mixture of fruit, eggs, and screwdrivers. He told her some stories from his trip and she shared some of the ridiculous from their cases. She stayed away from the heavy stuff and he seemed to appreciate it. They moved to her couch where the conversation continued.

"So you have any idea what you want to do next?" She asked him.

"Yeah, actually I have an idea in the works. But it'll be a few days before I know anything. In the meantime, I have a few lose ends that I need to take care of...things I left undone when I took off."

"Like Bruno? You should have heard Brass when he realized you'd stuck him with the dog." She was laughing.

"Yeah, but I offered to take him back and Jim would have none of it. I think they've become buddies. If Jim really wants to keep him, I'll let him. He's a good dog but a reminder of Sara. I'm really trying not to get too caught up in memories right now; not until I make some new ones without her, anyway."

Catherine tried to ask him what he meant by that but he was being obtuse.She knew he wouldn't give her a straight answer so she gave it up. "So what are you doing today?"

"Have to find a place. I'm at the Palms right now but that'll get old. And..." his face grew solemn, "I need tomake a trip up a mountain."

"To her place?" she asked quietly.

"His eyes clouded. "Yeah, I...um, need to let go...finally."

"Yeah," she patted his hand. He turned it and held hers, looking deep into her eyes. Catherine had always prided herself on being able to read him when no one else could. The secret was in his eyes. But she couldn't read him. There was a flicker of something before he masked it but she couldn't fathom the flicker.

He stood to leave and she followed. "See you later?"

"Of course," he responded.

"Gil...call me after you come back down the mountain; just to let me know you are okay?"

He swallowed and nodded. "Yeah," he said in a hoarse voice.

Grissom stood on the plateau in her place. He felt the cool breeze on his face as well as the warmth of the sunshine. Looking around, he decided on a spot to sit and talk.

"I'm here Sara. I've been away but I'm back. I...um, well, I've come to say good-bye. I went on a trip...to the rain forest and some things became clear to me. I can't dwell in your death. It's left a hole in me that will always be there but...I have to concentrate on what's left and build from that. I'm not going back to the lab; it would be too much. Too many reminders of you. It's not that I'm forgetting...I could never do that. But I can't live every minute of everyday in the memories either.

I want to thank you. You loved me when I didn't deserve it. And you taught me how to love...and how to accept it from someone else. And while I was away...well, there is someone else. I want you to know that. Because of you, I'll be able to try with her. I hope that's okay. I mean, I know you want me to find some happiness. You showed me how much more life can be with love in it and now I miss that. I know I need it. Anyway, I'll always love you Sara and I'll never forget you. But I have to leave now and start living. I have this for you; something to mark your place and remember us by." He pulled a flat stone from his pocket. It was slightly larger than his hand and had an inscription etched into it.

Only our love hath no decay;  
This no to-morrow hath, nor yesterday;  
Running it never runs from us away,  
But truly keeps his first, last, everlasting day.

He placed the stone near some rocks. Standing, he looked at it. "I love you, Sara. I always will." Then he turned and walked away.

Two days later he was walking down the street towards the restaurant where Catherine was meeting him for lunch. Across the street a church's bells began to chime. He stood and listened as they tolled. The last time he had stood and listened to the tolling of church bells had been at his mother's funeral. But today, these bells weren't ringing a death knell. Instead, they were calling him to a new life; one that no longer focused on the worst that mankind can do but instead, he hoped, one in which he would help nourish the best that humanity had to offer. As they finished the tolls, he continued on his mission.

Catherine was already seated when he arrived. She smiled as he sat down. Once the waiter had taken their orders, she got down to business. "So what's the big mystery, Gil?"

He took a deep breath and smiled back at her. "I was hoping you would celebrate with me."

"Sure. What are we celebrating?"

"My new job. I'm going to be teaching at the university."

Her eyes widened. "So you are staying in Vegas?"

"I am." He nodded.

"Oh Gil, that's wonderful!" She wanted to hug him but she knew that in public like this, he'd be embarrassed. "I'm so relieved. I was afraid you'd leave again."

"Can't." His expression was one of mystery. She looked at him, puzzling over his cryptic remark. Then he continued. "There's something else I hope you'll celebrate with me too, Catherine."

"More? There's more. This is an exciting day. So what else?" Her eyes were glowing.

"My engagemnet." He let it hang there between them.

A cloud passed over her briefly and then she was smiling again. "Your engagemnet? Who is she Gil? When did you ... Whats going on, Gil?"

He cleared his throat and began his story. "I knew about the exedition from a friend out at Berkeley. He used his influence to get me get in on it since plans had already been made and pretty much finalized. I flew down to Paraguay and hooked up with the group. I was a mess, Catherine. My whole world had been turned upside down. In the rain forest I didn't have to think about what had happened...didn't have to think about Sara. The whole first month was like that. Me just going on the trail everyday, not thinking about anything except bugs. Then the nightmares came. I relived that last day every night in my dreams until I was afraid to sleep. I realized that I couldn't go on like that, so I began to let it out. I'm sure everyone thought I was insane, I suppose I was. I'd yell and scream, throw fits over little things. One day I hacked through the forest like a wild man, clearing a path much wider than we needed. And then one day we came to a clearing on a plateau and it reminded me of her memorial...the one we held for her. And I completely fell apart. It seemed like I sobbed for hours but when I was finished, I knew I was done with grieving. I began to be able to sleep again. And my mind turned to the future. Then I started having nightmares again. I had never been lonely before, not like that. She had filled a void in my life that I hadn't realized was there. In the nightmares I was back here, in the townhouse...alone. I'd go to the lab and it would be empty. My entire existance in those dreams was alone. And I knew that when I came back I wanted something besides my previous life. But I also thought of you guys and I knew you all were the foundation for my new life. I knew as long as you all were near, I wouldn't be totally alone.

One night, I had a different dream. There was someone else. Someone who filled my life as Sara had...only even more so. But her face wasn't clear to me. No matter how hard I tried to see her face, I couldn't. I continued having that dream night after night until we came to a town. The town had internet and that's when I e-mailed you guys. I was feeling guilty by then about just leaving like that so I thought I should at least let you know I was okay. We headed back into the forest and I agonized about how to approach coming back. We were in the forest another month before we hit another town that had internet and I got your messages. Your last line gave me the answer I needed. 'I need you to come home and bring your light back into my life." You said that Cath, in your e-mail. That night, I was finally able to see the face of the woman who filled my life."

He smiled and then fumbled in his pocket. She couldn't see what he had but all of her nerves were on fire. "Gil?"

"Catherine,. I might have read everything all wrong, but it is a chnace I have to take. I love you Catherine. I have for a very long time. And I'm asking you to please marry me. I don't want to waste another minute of my life in an empty existance when I know that you fill my soul more than anyone ever has. Please say yes..." His eyes were emploring her to accept him.

"Gil...I ..." she sat, her mouth open, in shock. "I ...well,..." As she looked into his face, she knew what her answer was. He was the one she'd wanted all along. She'd known that years ago when they'd shared coffee breaks between her shows at the Palace. And then she'd screwed up with Eddie and gotten pregnant. Even after Eddie was gone, she and Gil never seemed to be on that track again...until now. " Gil...I want to marry you. But are you sure? I mean... I don't want to be just something you've settled for because you can't have the one you really want. What about ...Sara?"

"If it hadn't been for Sara, I'd never have gotten to this place with you. I'll always love her for that and for other things too. But this is about the two of us. I love you...in a different way, I suppose, but just as much. More probably, because we have so many years of history. I won't forget her, but I need to be with you." He gently slipped an engagemnet ring on her finger and then lifted it to his lips and kissed it. "I want to live the rest of my life with you, Catherine. No regrets, no looking back. Only look forward...and everyday filled with you."

She admired the ring and then looked at him. "Screw lunch. Can we get out of here so I can show you exactly what I'm feeling right now?"

He smiled and called the waiter over. He explained that they had to leave and left enought money to cover the check and a tip for the waiter. His hotel was closer than her place so they ended up there. They spent the afternoon exploring their newly confessed love and satisfying years of pent up emotions and frustrations. Then he called for room service. "How soon would you like to get married? he asked as they ate.

The impish grin that he had come to love over the years spread across her features. "Is tonight too soon?"

His own features relaxed as a small smile slowly crept across his face. He too was looking impetuous. "Not soon enough, but I suppose it will have to do." He pulled out a cell phone and began making calls. By midnight they had gotten married and celebrated with their very surprised friends. And later as she snuggled beside him and he held her close, he was filled with joy. Finally, here in her arms he was home.

------

Hope you enjoyed. The poem on Sara's rock was froma poem by John Donne, _The Anniversary._


End file.
